On Tuesday, February 28th President Donald Trump will deliver the State of the Union address to a joint meeting of Congress. Based on his recent speeches and tweets, it should go something like this.
“Good evening, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, and my fellow Americans. You know Americans are the best people in the world. I love Americans. They voted for me in the BIGGEST LANDSLIDE VICTORY IN HISTORY, which proves how smart and wonderful I am.
Boos erupt from Democrats.
I see the losers and haters are here. But my IQ is one of the highest – and you all know it. Please don’t feel stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.
Speaker Ryan gavels for silence.
Hey look at that, the members of the Supreme Court are here. [Turns to Ryan and asks “What are they doing here? I told them I WOULD SEE THEM IN COURT!” Ryan whispers they always attend the State of the Union address.] Okay, well I’m glad to see the judges here. But you might want to tell those so-called judges in California that if any terrorists kill Americans, and you know how much I love Americans, they are absolutely the best people in the world and they totally support me, but if anyone dies in this country for any reason whatsoever, their blood will be on your hands. I am putting you on notice now.
Ruth Bader Ginsberg falls asleep.
What? Oh yeah, the teleprompter. My reason for speaking to you and the country tonight is to report on the State of the Union, which is terrible, I mean really awful and bad, because of all those bad hombre illegal immigrants and NAFTA who have taken away ALL of our jobs in America. But you wouldn’t know that because the FAKE MEDIA keeps reporting the FAKE NEWS on the truth about my relationship with Russia and Putin. But we are going to find all those LEAKERS, who don’t exist by the way cause the FAKE MEDIA keeps using ANONYMOUS sources that are totally made up. Not like my friend, who I shall call “Bill” who won’t go to France anymore.
Boos erupt from Press Gallery.
[Turns again to Speaker Ryan. “Paul, who let those bozos in. I TOLD YOU, only Breitbart, Infowars, and Gateway Pundit should get credentials.” Ryan whispers back “It IS only them.”]
Anyway, I can tell you right now, and I am the only one who can say it, and the only one you can believe, that I have never had relations with that country. And it is just a coincidence that those Russian ambassadors who might, at some time, a long time ago, have talked with some people on my campaign, that I don’t know, have died this year. I mean, people die all the time – am I right? Like Supreme Court justices. [Stares long and meaningfully at Ruth Bader Ginsberg]
But let me say it, and I am very humble about this, in fact I’m probably the most humble person you have ever met, that I am going to be the greatest job producer God ever created. Franklin Graham told me so. And by that I mean real jobs, jobs that are going to pay well. Just look at how many job opportunities I’ve created at Goldman Sachs. We are going to build American and buy American, except at Nordstrom which treated my daughter Ivanka so unfairly by discontinuing her fabulous line of clothing made in China.
Slight disruption as security escorts entire press corps out of gallery.
And just look at this great group of guys I’ve appointed to my Cabinet who are going to help me run this country like the great business it is. Oh, sorry Elaine, sorry Betsy, I really love you both. You are fantastic. Absolute 10s in my book. And the generals. I’ve got the best generals working for me. Not like the ones who can’t win, and couldn’t even come up with one measly plan to defeat ISIS in 30 days, even though I ordered them to do it.
Yes, the State of the Union is terrible and only I can fix it. We are going to have fantastic healthcare, build a wall along the Mexican border that they will pay for, once they start speaking to us again, and defeat ISIS if I have to fire every general in the army. We are going to keep every Muslim, uh, that is, actually I really meant, every person from certain countries where I don’t have a business interest, out of the country. And taxes. We are going to have the most beautiful taxes in the world. They are going to be such great taxes that everyone is going to WANT to pay taxes, except for smart people like me.
Every Democrat departs the joint session.
Great! Wonderful! Now that the so-called elected Democrats have left I can finish my address to the true Americans who really represent our great nation. Well, except for you Lindsey, and John McCain – I never really liked you – but the rest of you are wonderful people and I KNOW that you LOVE me! Together we, well mostly me, are going to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
Thunderous applause erupts behind podium from Pence and Ryan
Thank you for allowing me to address this august body.
And as you leave this really, really important speech, by me, I want you to know that my wife Melania will be in the Rotunda selling tasteful replicas of all the great stuff I’ve found while wandering around the White House at night. And may God save, ‘er bless, you all.