Have been quite busy the last few days trying to gather as much intel as possible on The Coronation and related events.
Began day on Friday chilling at Dupont Circle and breathing in as much air as possible until felt mellow enough to infiltrate promised massive crowds at The Coronation. This proved to be much easier than anticipated as practically nobody showed up. Heard rumors that organizers were going to homeless shelters offering free Cheetos for everyone at The Mall. The tactic apparently unsuccessful. The National Park Service was sent to bed without supper for posting side-by-side photos of 2009 vs 2017 crowd sizes.
The Leader gave a heartfelt, warm, and encouraging speech – for members of the Nazi party and the KKK. This was followed by elegant luncheon prepared for The Leader, who will be referred to in future at PUOTUS (President Unworthy of the United States) and SLOTUS. Based on a picture taken of this couple at the luncheon, it appears MAJOR argument had occurred over whose turn it was to wash the dishes.
Numbers obtained from Washington METRO subway system indicate that fewer people used the system than on regular workday. Apparently, more people prefer to go to work than participate in Coronation festivities. Am currently attempting to confirm reports that dentists in the Swamp overwhelmed by a record number of requests for root canals.
Triumphant parade from Capitol to White House went much faster than anticipated at it was not necessary to take the time to wave to non-existent throngs of supporters. In fairness, it should be reported that there were people lined up approximately one deep at certain areas of the parade route. Difficult to count a specific number of people, but can confidently state there was dozens present. Unconfirmed rumors circulated that Secret Service detail spent entire time during parade trying to find an actual crowd.
At evening’s Coronation balls, PUOTUS demonstrated mad dancing and singing skills. Many in the audience reported, under the strictest seal of confidence, that they had never seen anything like it, and hoped they never lived to see it again.
Sought sanctuary in a safe house early that evening in order to be bright eyed and bushy tailed for reported demonstrations on Saturday.
Members of The Resistance, take heart. Hundreds of thousands of women and others descended on the Swamp wearing knitted, pink, kitty hats. This undercover agent overjoyed that cats are finally receiving the respect they deserve. Also received reports that similar demonstrations occurred throughout the country and around the world. That passions were running high shown by British protester carrying a sign that read “Quite Annoyed.” You can only push the British so far.
PUOTUS showed his commitment to being presidential by constantly tweeting his displeasure that the size of his crowds was correctly reported by the press. The new Propaganda Secretary also chastised members of the press for accurate reporting and telling them what they should and should not report on. Knowing PUOTUS’s penchant for never quitting when he’s behind, this topic could easily consumer his first 100 days in office. However, some members of the press are fighting back, finally using the dread “L” word.
Am returning to safe house currently occupied by several members of Women’s March who have provided much petting, cat treats, and knitted caps. Never fear, this agent remains fiercely independent and cannot be tempted or swayed….is that the can opener? Is that tuna fish?
Remain vigilant my friends. America needs us. Now more than ever.
The Crafty Cat Vive le Resistance!