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How to Host a Post-Trump Thanksgiving

Bruce Plante Cartoon: Turkey of the Year, Donald Trump, Republican Presidential Candidate, Plante 20151126

By Susan Kuebler

Following the turmoil of the 2016 election, which has pitted friend against friend and family members against family members, many people are rightly concerned how they are going to manage getting through Thanksgiving without possible bloodshed this year. Following are a few helpful tips:

Booze, lots and lots of booze

Not for your guests silly. For you. If you are hosting the dinner, tell your guests that you have just become a born-again Baptist and can no longer serve alcohol in your home. In the meantime, keep a bottle of your favorite adult beverage stashed under the pillow in your bedroom. If things start getting ugly, simply excuse yourself and take a deep slug out of the bottle.   Try to pace yourself though, so you don’t pass out before the dinner is served. People might become suspicious.

Distractions

If the holiday conversation turns to politics, have a prepared list of topics to divert attention. A few suggestions include the following:

I thought we might watch the Home Shopping Network instead this year.

I don’t understand why Alabama is ranked #1 this year?

I think my next-door neighbors are into Satan worship. (Do not use if next-door neighbors are guests)

So, who wants to play strip poker while we wait for the turkey to cook?

Is it true that {insert female family member not present} is pregnant?

Separate Tables

Instead of the usual Adult and Children tables, separate your guests by political persuasion. I recommend a #MAGA table decorated with appropriate baseball caps, and a #NeverTrump table featuring tasteful placemats with pictures of John Kasich. If needed, you can also set up the third-party, voted my conscience table which will have no chairs. For that table, place markers on the floor at each seat that says Principles.

Safety Precautions

Have a trusted designated carver, who will be the only person allowed to have a knife. Hide all other sharp implements in the house.

Set up “safe space” in your house. Anyone suffering a meltdown will be allowed to retreat to this area until order is restored.

Disconnect your WiFi and confiscate all cell phones upon arrival. This should help preclude any Twitter disputes entering into your joyful holiday conversation.

If the situation gets out of control, set up “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” to play over and over. If nothing else, it will make most people leave.

Final Thoughts

Keep in mind that this only happens once a year.

These people are your family and friends and you still want to get a good Christmas present from them.

And be truly thankful that we all survived this year.

 

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"All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well". Julian of Norwich.

3 Comments on How to Host a Post-Trump Thanksgiving

  1. I nearly snorted my Baileys Pumpkin Spice irish creme out my nose (hey, it was on sale, and I barely drink). Heaven knows I needed to read that! Thanks a ton–it was great…and it might work!

  2. You’re so butthurt it’s pathetic

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